B"H

After reading the original posting, get the feeling that the author is putting most of the blame with the jewish women. But as 54 year old man with 6 children and more grandchildren, looking for his second Ziwwug, would like to offer a somewhat different perspective.

It may be true that jewish women today have greater expectations. They are not apparently quite the same as the jewish women whom Haza" knew in their day and for whom "Tav Le-meitav Tan Du Mile-meitav Armalu" (better to sit two together than to sit widow) was the guiding wisdom.

More than once have come out of encounters in which the jewish girl has had nice things to say about me but just doesn't see it as Jewish Marriage. don't always follow the reasons she gives. Often it has something intangible to do with her sensitivity, but hearing things like this over and over again from Jewish Single, never married jewish women in their 40's who still want children makes me wonder whether there isn't something more fundamental at work here.

On the other hand, it would be grossly unfair to blame the jewish women alone. Ours, the "me" generation, is plagued by an unrelenting, mobile pace of life that imposes on us insatiable demands for instant gratification. (Remember the old joke about the thieves who stole the computer and lost out because it was obsolete before they had time to sell it?) Previous generations didn't have Internet, cellular phones or SMS but were more content than we are. We go crazy today when the computer hangs or when the Internet line goes down. These things are new enough that studies are still being conducted to find out just how much they harm relationships. It is not surprising that both men and jewish women find it hard to make and keep long term commitments with such mindset.

What is the solution?

It would be more than little trite just to repeat the advice 've seen so often, to give up our unrealistic expectations. To do this in deed and not just in thought, however, requires more than a little reshaping of our thinking patterns.

As first step, perhaps may offer what Haza" said that someone who has Torah but not charitable deeds has no real G-d. In other words, what gives us our real, lasting worth is not what we know and achieve for ourselves, but how much we apply it for the benefit of others. It is the Jewish Marriage relationship which gives man and woman the opportunity to develop their potential for caring and accomodating to the fullest. Having someone else in one's life, day and night, whose needs must be considered in every situation, is what makes us full human beings. This is perhaps what Haza" had in mind when they said that one who has no wife is not a man, citing the verse (Gen. 5:2) "Male and female He created them, and he Blessed them, and he called their name Adam (Man) on the day they were created".

It goes without saying that to carry this out in practice, we will have to make sacrifices and forego some of our own preferences and desires. After Jewish Marriage we are no longer free to do what we want on the spur of the moment. In order to succeed we must make space in our hearts and our schedules for someone else. There is no denying that in getting married we lose our independence. But in return, we get the satisfaction of loving and caring for another human being which only Jewish Marriage can give us.

will not deny also that several times have felt most anxious just when the jewish girl expresses some initial enthusiasm. Some inner voice asks me, "Is this the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?” will never forget that before my first Jewish Marriage, my Rav saw me once and remarked, “You look frightened”. He was right, and true to fact, all my fears and many more came true in my Jewish Marriage. For a sensitive individual as myself, it was admittedly rather traumatic. But this is no reason to avoid Jewish Marriage, even for the older people among us who see more than the young and have more to be afraid of. The only way to deal with such fears is to be brave and confront them. No Jewish Marriage is without its hurts and tears. Even the most loving of couples will occasionally hurt each other inadvertently. But it is the giving, forgiving and making up afterwards that makes it all worthwhile and enables us to grow.

In closing, last week’ Parasha gives us an indirect but very pertinent message about one’s Ziwwug. For Haza” said that one’s Ziwwug is as difficult as the splitting of the Yam Suf (“Red Sea”). Just before Benei Yisrael went into the sea, we read that G-d told Moshe Rabbeinu (Ex. 14:15), “… What are you shouting to me? Speak to Benei Yisrael and they will go on.” Rashi comments that Moshe was engaged at the moment in prayer and that G-d told him that this was not a time for prayer but action. The Midrash tells us that of the tribe of Yehuda earned the kingship in reward for being the first to jump into the sea while all the tribes were arguing over who would be the first to go down. The message, submit, is rather clear. Just as in the Exodus, we all have our Yam Suf to cross in our lives in order to get and stay married. While faith and prayer obviously have their important place, it is nevertheless only through our own positive actions, by confronting the real hazards and obstacles in our way, that we can achieve the objective of a loving and lasting Jewish Marriage.

May G-d help each and every one of us in giving us the courage to find our Ziwwug and realize our potential in this world to the fullest. Omen!

Shaul