Rabbi’ Corner: Interdating as Consequence and ChallengeRabbi’s Corner: Interdating a

[Cubanita]

By Rabbi Robyn Fryer

If being Jewish is important to you and you want to raise Jewish children (and eventually spoil Jewish grandchildren), put yourself in Jewish Community that is highly populated by Jews. If this idea is high enough in your core value system, then you will do it.

This is not new idea, as our sage Hillel formalized the concept 2000 years ago in Pirkei Avot (Ethics of our Fathers) where he is quoted as saying “Do not separate yourself from the Jewish Community.” From what we know of Hillel and his world, this could only mean: stay within the fold, and make your Jewish Jewish Community prominent. This notion is not limited to living in high-rent districts like Pico-Robertson in Los Angeles, Lakeview in Chicago or the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Rather it means scope out the Jewish resources where you are, and network like crazy with the people you meet there.

When you are part of Jewish Jewish Community, whether it is through Hadassah, Hillel GAP/J-Connect, a synagogue or a Jewish Community Center, you have something extra in common with the people you meet at programs, events and services. You share a common ancestry and history as well as culture and, of course, foods. Potentially you will meet people who share a common vision as well; namely holding on to your lineage through observance of the mitzvot and/or traditions that you grew up with and still hold dear. When you join such organizations and agencies you have the potential to meet likeminded people, and those who know other likeminded people for you to meet, and to date.

If you are living in Jewish Community that is full of Jews but tend to legitimately complain to your friends that “there are no good Jewish men,” then take a pause and count your friends as your blessings. Traditionally the term family referred to a mother a father and some children, but perhaps for some reason the people in your current family structure are your Jewish friends. It is not the societal ideal, but it is nothing to frown upon.

Biblical prohibitions specifically refer to intermarriage, not Jewish Dating, because Jewish Dating is relatively new concept in society. People did not ‘date’ like we do in the ancient world, as Starbucks-like institutions did not yet exist. We read in Deuteronomy 7:3-4 “Do not marry with them – do not give your daughter to his son, and do not take his daughter for your son; lest he should turn your son away from Me, and they will worship other gods.” There were many fears attached to intermarriage, ranging from idol worship to the breakdown of the family, which was then and remains central to Jewish life.

In 2001, the United Jewish Communities published their findings of the National Jewish Population Survey (NJPS). The survey reminded the public of the soaring intermarriage rates over the course of the second half of the twentieth century, which is stabilizing in the mid-40% range. Clearly, these intermarriages stemmed from inter-Jewish Dating, but we can view inter-Jewish Dating as less the problem than the consequence. Most Jewish young adults who inter-date are not the ones who were active in Jewish youth groups, attended day schools, observed Shabbat to some degree at home or spent summers kayaking and playing basketball at Jewish camps. Inter-Jewish Dating is often result of growing up in a home where Judaism and its tenets were not central. According to the NJPS, individuals who grew up with a Jewish education had higher rates of in-Jewish Marriage than those who did not receive a Jewish education. In fact, statistics show that a high level of Jewish education directly corresponded to lower levels of intermarriage.

The young individual cannot be blamed or humiliated for making the choice to date non-Jews if they were never told not to do it. Jews were influenced by so much during the last 100 years and were able to do so much more then ever before. So many new doors were opened for us that some families downsized their Judaism in response to the unknown. It is from this group that most of our intermarriages stem.

When the holiness and the splendor of the Jewish family are acknowledged and emphasized by parents, their children will usually date within the faith. But if parents do not instill their children with Jewish values, and are intermarried themselves or barely acknowledge their own Judaism, what right do they or anyone else have to comment? As halakhic rabbi (one who adheres to the Jewish legal system), would never outwardly advise a Jew to date a non-Jew, but at the same time have no right to judge someone who was raised on a core value system that differs from mine.