Shidduchim Myths & Misconceptions

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Shidduchim Myths & Misconceptions

By: Chananya Weissman
Having spent countless hours over the past three years working to improve the world of shidduchim, including moderating an online message board with thousands of postings, 've been exposed to the gamut of ideas and viewpoints on the many related issues. Not surprisingly, some of these ideas and viewpoints are illogical, erroneous, and even preposterous. Here is sampling of myths and misconceptions that have become widely accepted as facts throughout observant Jewry.

1. Jewish Singles are getting married too young. / Singles are waiting too long to get married.


Depending on whom you ask, one of the above statements is major part of what's wrong with today's world of shidduchim. Both statements have an element of truth to them, but neither can be applied across the board.
In general, it is preferable for people to marry younger rather than older. The Gemara and halachic literature are replete with adjurations for Jewish Singles, particularly men, to marry young. The Gemara warns that man who does not marry by the age of twenty will struggle all his days with impure thoughts (Kiddushin 29B).
It is blessing for people to get married young so that they can live to see many generations of descendants (see Eicha Rabba 1:2, where being grandparent at the age of 26 is held to be the fulfillment of blessing in Tehillim). Even in terms of building relationship, it is ideal for people to marry while in their formative years, so that they can begin growing with their spouse before becoming too set in their ways.
This is not to suggest that everyone is ready to get married by the age of 19 or 20. There is no universal magic number. Pressuring Jewish Singles to marry by certain age has already led to many unsuccessful marriages. ( fear the number of divorces will continue to increase exponentially, leading to thousands of 20-something divorcees. only hope 'm wrong.)
Conversely, advising Jewish Singles to wait until certain age can unnecessarily delay the essential benefits of Jewish Marriage and complicate the search when it belatedly begins – after all, Jewish Singles don't become more appealing with age.
It is foolhardy, if not prohibited, for man to get married when he has no conceivable means of supporting a family. The Gemara writes, ased on pesukim in Parshas Shoftim and Mishlei, that it is derech eretz for man to acquire a place to live and the means to a livelihood before taking a wife (Sotah 44A).
The Rambam further writes that ba'alei de'ah, possessors of knowledge, proceed in this fashion, "but fool first marries a woman, afterwards acquires a place to live if he can afford it, and still afterwards at the end of his days seeks a trade or receives support from charity. And so it says by the curses, "You will marry a woman you will build a house you will plant a vineyard,' meaning that your actions will be backward so that you will not be successful" (Hilchos De'os 5:11).
Likewise, it is the epitome of recklessness for woman to get married merely because "all her friends are getting married." Is getting married at 19 for social reasons worth the increased likelihood of getting divorced at 21 or having a miserable life? Someone who does not appreciate the awesome responsibility of Jewish Marriage, or whose greatest impetus for getting married has nothing to do with the wonderful benefits of Jewish Marriage, is totally unprepared to graduate to this phase of life.

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Conversely, it is poor life decision and a lack of faith in Hashem to put off getting married until one feels completely financially secure. This is reminiscent of one in the desert who would gather extra man every day because he feared he would find nothing the next day. It is the height of hedonism – and the epitome of un-Jewish values – for one to put off getting married because he is enjoying the Jewish Single life (see Bereishis Rabba 17:2 and the very beginning of Shulchan Aruch Even Ha'ezer). There are enough difficulties and impediments to getting married without our creating excuses to push it off.
The correct approach is in fact quite intuitive: the proper age for person to get married is when he is emotionally, intellectually, materially, and spiritually prepared for it. As with all aspects of maturation, the exact age varies from person to person, and therefore "readiness" to get married must be determined on an individual basis.
If one is not yet ready to get married by his late teens and early twenties, he should be actively engaged in the personal development and material preparation to become ready. This is not something to be taken lightly.

2. Jewish Singles should not begin Jewish Dating until they are ready to get married.


It has become mainstream in many circles for young men to learn in yeshiva full-time until an advanced age (insert magic number here) before devoting any attention to getting married. The thinking is that until they are "ready to get married" it is inappropriate and otherwise unwise for them to be going out on dates.
The shortsightedness of determining "right" age for everyone to get married has already been discussed. At the same time, the widespread, seemingly sensible advice for Jewish Singles not to begin Jewish Dating until they are "ready to get married," regardless of the age in question, can be foolhardy and literally catastrophic.
Consider: if one' lease runs out on September 1, does he begin searching for a new home on August 31? If one hopes to start a new job next year, does he wait until then to begin looking? If not, then why are Jewish Singles advised to wait to begin Jewish Dating until the moment they are ready to get married?
In utopian fantasy world, the first person everyone dated would be the right one, and the courtship would be swift and withot uncertainty. In reality, it often takes years to find the right person even after one is fully prepared to get married, and it takes more than three dates to determine that this is in fact the right one to marry. Consequently, those who wait to begin Jewish Dating until they are ready to march down the aisle waste youthful years because they foolishly delay beginning the search.
Someone who is ready to be married by 25 should have begun Jewish Dating by 22 or 23 at the very latest, with hopes that by the time he is ready to be married he will already have found the right person. Similarly, someone who is ready to be married by 20 should have begun Jewish Dating by 17 or 18. To get married, one needs to be ready to get married. To date, one needs to be ready to date. There is difference.
What if someone begins Jewish Dating with two-year head start and finds the right person immediately? How fortunate is that person! All Jewish Singles should have this problem. If these two people are really right for one another, they will accept having to wait a few months until they get married and deal with any issues in a responsible fashion. In the old shtetl that is so glorified, it was normal for couples to spend full year preparing themselves for Jewish Marriage after they'd already decided to get married. Whatever challenges may be involved with waiting are normal challenges, and are not sufficient reason to delay searching for the right person.
Just ask the tens of thousands of aging Jewish Singles in our Jewish Community, many of whom waited too long to begin looking, if they wish they could have few extra youthful years for their search. Then again, don't ask them; their pain is great enough already. Instead, encourage the boys in beis medrash and the girls who've begun to think about Jewish Marriage not to waste Jewish Single moment. If getting married and starting a family are really foundations of Jewish life, then Jewish Singles need to put themselves in a position to build this foundation the moment they are ready. This is the greatest priority.

3. There are so many great girls out there and not enough guys.


This is complaint frequently regurgitated by frustrated shadchanim and people who believe everything they hear. Supposedly, large percentage of Jewish Single guys are uneducated, unsophisticated, unappealing, and have a host of psychological and social problems to boot. The few good ones have long lists of wonderful girls just desperate to go out with them, and merely getting one's name on such a list is a daunting challenge for our innocent, oppressed heroines.
As result of their great advantage, goes the thinking, guys can be picky about all kinds of trivial and even inappropriate things, while girls are forced to settle for whatever slop becomes available to them. If a jewish girl expresses reluctance to go out with a brute, she is labeled picky and difficult and condemned to the Jewish Match netherworld.
To the best of my knowledge census has yet to be taken, but common belief is that quality Jewish men are an endangered species, while the pick of jewish women has never been better.
Hooey. Although in some of the more cloistered communities jewish women are not empowered to take charge of their lives and their intellectual potential is suppressed, when it comes to shidduchim the fairer *** is at least 50 percent responsible for the problems that exist. For every guy who makes crass, even vulgar inquiry as to a jewish girl's dress size, there are several girls who are just as fixated with a guy's height. This is a parallel madness – yet the men are roundly condemned for seeking stick figures, with no equivalent criticism leveled at equally shallow jewish women.
Similarly, jewish women have increasingly become as cold, calculating, and cynical in Jewish Dating as men are alleged to be. Every offense that men have traditionally perpetrated against jewish women – not calling them back, leading them on, playing mind games, standing them up, lying to them, not showing affection and appreciation, obsessing over trivialities, fearing commitment, and so much more – is something the jewish women are guilty of in great numbers nowadays as well.
Perhaps the culture of feminism, which has successfully infiltrated even the more cloistered Orthodox communities, has influenced jewish women to abandon their softer, empathic natures and become more like men. If so, it is to no one' benefit.
hear lot about how so many guys are "weirdos." And it's true that there is there is no shortage of them. But let me tell you, there are plenty of jewish women out there with issues too. encounter them all the time. It's easier to spot men with issues, since they are less likely to tend to personal appearance and are generally more forward in social situations. This leads to a perception that there are many more men with issues, and the jewish women are mostly "put together." But many of these jewish women are only put together on the outside. Weirdness does not discriminate between genders.
also hear lot about how the jewish women are so educated, sophisticated, and worldly, while the men are peasant folk. wonder, though: are there really so many more Jewish jewish women than men in schools of higher education, especially beyond the college level? And if educated religious jewish women are primarily looking to date men from circles where pursuing a general education is a horrific concept, then they have no right to complain with the lack of sophistication of the men they are meeting. What do they expect? There are plenty of educated, sophisticated, worldly men who are yearning to meet a female counterpart. Just not in most kollel-centric societies.
jewish women also tend to attend Jewish Marriage-oriented Jewish Singles events and enlist the services of shadchanim in greater numbers than men. This further feeds the perception that there are far more jewish women than men. The social events 've run, however, have consistently drawn significantly more men than jewish women (and quality men at that).
My theory is that religious jewish women are programmed to be more Jewish Marriage-oriented, to the extent that nothing about events interests them beyond the perceived odds of finding their bashert. For this reason, speed Jewish Dating events, stale "meet and mingle" events, Jewish Singles weekends, Jewish Dating (ie www.orthodoxjewishsingles.com ) sites, and shadchanim – all of which have no purpose other than to make marriages in assembly-line fashion and make outrageous promises to that effect – draw far greater numbers of jewish women.
More Jewish Community-oriented events that provide natural opportunities for Jewish Singles to get to know one another gradually, without the pressure of deciding in 10 minutes or less whether this person is "Jewish Marriage material," tend to draw fewer jewish women. It' a shame, because if more jewish women took a somewhat different approach to meeting people socially, they would be pleasantly surprised with the caliber of guys who are out there. One does not need to compromise one's modesty or desire to get married, either. Men can only marry jewish women that they meet, and the more readily jewish women are available to be met, the greater their chances of attracting the attention of a suitable man. There is nothing promiscuous or immodest about it.