Shidduchim — Male Point Of View

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Rebbetzen' Viewpoint

By: Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Shidduchim — Male Point Of View
(Continued from last week)

Our Readers Respond — Two Letters

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

First, just wanted to say how much appreciate all your words. You don't know me, but please know that you have impacted me and my life, and although people don't always thank you, thank Hashem for you and for the kindness you spread all over.

would like to respond to comment in the letter about the male point of view on shidduchim: "Upon one of my friends' recommendations, also recently signed up for an online Jewish Dating site through which hundreds of couples supposedly met. But after scanning the profiles of the various girls out there, became disgusted. More than half of them used the term "princess" or some variation of it in their profile name.

" want to get married in order to start family and have children. am looking forward to getting married so that can give to others, but if these girls think of themselves as 'princesses,' are they looking to give to others or are they looking for someone who will worship them? Perhaps should be giving them the benefit of the doubt, but imagine that anyone who refers to herself as a princess must be extremely conceited, which is a quality don't think could ever tolerate in a jewish girl, although think could learn to live with someone who has other faults (after all, nobody is perfect)."

Although see where this person is coming from, feel that he sounds bitter and he has not considered the other side, despite there always being another side. We are taught by our Sages to be "don 'kaf zchus" — to give every person the benefit of the doubt and judge each individual favorably. If we do this, we might interpret a woman labeling herself as a princess as an indication of her desire to find a prince and her wish to treat a man like a king in the hope that in return, he will treat her like a princess — his queen — with the utmost kavod (honor) and admiration. It has nothing to do with self-worship and indulgence. Rather, it is a reflection of "Veahavta lerayecha kamocha" — loving your friend as you love yourself — and who is your best friend if not your spouse? So this man should consider himself fortunate to find a woman who will treat him as Hashem's nasi — G-d's prince. At the same time, however, he will also have to look upon himself as a prince before he can be treated as one.

Based on this logic of "judging favorably," woman who indicates that she is a princess is also indicating that she is not conceited, but that she recognizes that she is Hashem's princess (as are all Jewish girls) and should not be treated poorly by anyone, and vice versa. Such a woman has a healthy self esteem and the confidence to indicate that she will not tolerate abuse. She is also showing that she can also joke around a bit with all the hype about "JAPS."

So basically, it' all a matter of interpretation and how you choose to look at things. As indicated at the beginning of my letter, also empathize with this man, but at the same time, feel sad for him. There is a bitterness that comes across in his words. He needs to lighten up and see the brighter side of life. His bitterness won't get him anywhere. Smile and laugh in the gardens of Hashem's palace and then let's see if he still can't call his wife a princess.


Letter #2

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

think that it is really great idea to publish letters and to give the point of view of males and females, because there is a real crisis in the Jewish Singles world. People just can't find their life partners, so applaud whatever can be done to air these issues. am taking the liberty of sharing with you some of my own thoughts.

believe that men and jewish women truly feel in their respective ways hurt and stunted by one or the other potential partner. The question is how to weave the situation into Jewish Community of more understood adults who are healed and then prepared for Jewish Marriage.

My comment about the young man who writes this letter is that he omits what behavior took place during the engagement and what took place during the negotiating stage of when his girlfriend wanted him to keep his word about the engagment and how she behaved as well.
Notwithstanding the fantasy or reality in this equation, jewish women in general wish that men would be able to function well during times of trouble and often base their final decision regarding their Jewish Marriage on how well the couple can handle these difficult decisions together.

One would need to review what exactly occurred. believe that this situation might have chance to be fixed on some level and that both people should meet with Rebbetzin Jungreis for a consultation.