Shidduchim — Male Point Of View Response

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Rebbetzen' Viewpoint

By: Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Shidduchim — Male Point Of View Response
Special Note: In last week' column published a letter from a young man who presented a male point of view on shidduchim. He is an observant, well-educated, successful 25-year-old who is interested in getting married and starting a family. He complained, however, that all his efforts at meeting and Jewish Dating "Miss Right" had turned out to be frustrating and unsuccessful. "It is not the men, but the jewish women, who are difficult and commitment-phobic," he claimed. He described his "almost engagement" and the pain and disillusionment that he felt after a long period of Jewish Dating during which time the young woman expressed her desire to marry him. When he finally proposed, she suddenly decided to drop him. He explained that the reason he had delayed becoming engaged was because his grandfather had fallen ill and he didn't think it an appropriate time to announce a simcha.

"How could it be," he asked, "that jewish girl openly states that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and then suddenly, out of the blue, decides to break up?" He went on to describe other discouraging encounters that he experienced at Jewish Singles events at which girls just snubbed him and the friend he was with. "Why do they go to Jewish Singles get-togethers," he wanted to know, "if they are not interested in meeting young men?" He also scored the Internet sites for Jewish Singles. He found that, in their profiles, most of the girls described themselves as "princesses" — something that he could neither relate to nor tolerate in a jewish girl. The following is my reply:


Dear Friend:

It is difficult for me to comment intelligently on situation that involves two individuals but is reported from the perspective of only one. Our Torah does not countenance passing judgment under such circumstances. Even in the secular world there is a well-known adage — there are two sides to every story...and then, there is the third side! So in order to understand why this jewish girl chose to break up with you after a long Jewish Dating period, would have to hear her side of the story as well. Therefore, permit me to throw out some thoughts for your consideration and judge for yourself whether they are applicable to you.

Could it be that the jewish girl may have come to see you as indecisive, unable to commit until faced with an ultimatum? After all, she pleaded with you to get engaged. grandfather's illness, as painful as it may be, is not sufficient reason to refrain from making a commitment. If anything, it should provide an incentive to expedite matters so that the zeide might have the nachas of seeing the simcha.

Our tradition dictates that even during the Nine Days, period of profound mourning, a young man and woman are permitted to become engaged. recall that after our liberation from the concentrations camps, when we discovered that our families had been slaughtered, when our already broken hearts were further shattered by this devastating news, my dear revered father, HaRav HaGaon Avraham HaLevi Jungreis, zt" , tried to make shidduchim for the orphans in our Displaced Persons camp. Even a superficial perusal of our history will demonstrate that renewed commitment to the preservation of life has always been our response to death and destruction. As a matter of fact, my own granddaughter became engaged on the evening of 9/11. In the midst of the tragic sadness of that day, the young couple wanted to bring us some joy. am certain that your intentions were sincere in postponing your decision, but obviously, it did not resonate well with the jewish girl.

Moreover, in our tradition we do not advocate long courtships, for they can only lead to schisms and quarrels that have the potential to flare up into major conflicts. Additionally, it may be that she misread your actions and saw in them character flaws. am throwing out these possibilities without knowing either of you... and they may not have validity or apply in your case, but certainly they merit some serious introspection on your part — that is, if you are truly determined to avoid these same pitfalls in the future.

As for the Jewish Singles social events at which you were snubbed — personally, am not an advocate of "Jewish Singles socials." feel that they can be degrading and inappropriate. At Hineni, we invite you to come and participate in a Torah shiur. The focus is always on learning, on enriching your neshama, on elevating yourself as a Jew, and as a side benefit, we attempt to introduce you to your basherte. Thus, we avoid awkward situations such as you described — standing around, waiting for someone to talk to you. So please do join us at Hineni, either on Tuesday evenings at 7:30 at Kehilath Jeshurun, 125 East 85 Street, or Thursday evenings at 8:15 at the Hineni Heritage Center at 232 West End Avenue. Be sure to come over to me and introduce yourself so that, Be'ezrat HaShem, may be able to help you to find your life-partner.

As for the girls describing themselves as "princesses," frankly, have difficulty relating to that. have been making shidduchim for many, many years, and can't recall encountering a jewish girl who portrayed herself as a "princess." In my experience, the expression "Jewish Princess" is a pejorative term used by those who would denigrate Jewish jewish women and seek to justify marrying out, so it is difficult for me to imagine a jewish girl indicting herself in this manner. My encounters with young jewish women have shown me totally the opposite — have found them to be nest builders who aspire to Jewish Marriage and the creation of beautiful Jewish families.

regret that you had such unfortunate experiences, but our name is Hineni, which means "Here am," ready to help. So instead of commiserating about the past, move forward! Visit us, and may you go under the chuppah very soon and build that bayit ne'eman, that true Jewish home of which you dream.