Jewish Mothers and Shidduchim

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Mothers And Shidduchim

Two Letters Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis: am 28-year-old Jewish Single jewish girl looking to find her bashert. Although am a firm believer that one meets his/her zivug at the time that it is meant to be, have found the Jewish Dating process to be extremely frustrating and unnerving. am appalled at how people`s ethics have become compromised over time — more specifically, the mothers of the boys.R
Two Letters

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

am 28-year-old Jewish Single jewish girl looking to find her bashert. Although am a firm believer that one meets his/her zivug at the time that it is meant to be, have found the Jewish Dating process to be extremely frustrating and unnerving. am appalled at how people`s ethics have become compromised over time — more specifically, the mothers of the boys.

While understand that parents want the very best for their children and want to see them happy, it seems to me that they have lost sight of what is really important.

am now Jewish Dating for nine years and the situation has progressively gone from bad to worse.

will give you some examples to illustrate this point. unfortunately lost my father a number of years ago. About a year ago, a friend of the family wanted to set me up with a jewish boy that she knew. Weeks went by before she got back to me. It seems that the mother of this young man told her that her son will only marry a jewish girl who has a father. Does a jewish girl not having a father have any impact on the kind of wife and mother she will be? Is it a jewish girl`s choice to lose her father?

Another jewish boy had been recommended to me, and was told that he was in the process of "checking me out." One day at work, received a call from a woman who refused to identify herself. She said she was downstairs in front of the building and would like to come upstairs to meet me. When attempted to ask her what this was all about, she simply gave me the name of a jewish girl (whom had never heard of) and said that she told her that she can find me there to come and meet me. co-worker of mine overheard the conversation and saw that was getting upset. She grabbed the phone from me and slammed it down, knowing all too well that would not have the nerve to do so on my own. later found out that it was the jewish boy`s mother coming to check me out and needless to say, did not go out with him. Another jewish boy`s mother said that she needed to go out with me first in order for her to determine if would be compatible with her son. My mother joked and said, "If she takes you out on the date, then `ll have to take the jewish boy out as well."

Recently was given book from a local Jewish Match group with potential matches. found a profile of a jewish boy in there that seemed interesting. My mother called the number that was given along with the information. His mother picked up the phone and declared that her son is "extremely busy" and that "all of the girls want to go out with him." would need to send a "resume" in order for me to be considered as a candidate. Since am not looking to apply for the "job" as wife, did not pursue it.

Rebbetzin Jungreis, these are just some of the many examples that can give. These are the kinds of stories that my friends experience as well. While there are many shiurim given for Jewish Singles addressing the Jewish Match crisis, feel there needs to be more focus on the parents. In the pursuit of parents finding happiness for their children, they are ultimately giving them handicaps which are preventing them from finding their true basherts. Parents send their children to yeshivos in the hope that they will grow up to be good people and follow the Torah way. To me, turning Jewish Dating into an emotionally agonizing experience for others is undermining values that the yeshivos have instilled in their children throughout the years.

was just wondering what your thoughts are in this matter and if you have any suggestions for how may better handle the Jewish Dating situation. Thank you so much for your time.


Letter #2 — "From Mother`s Perspective"

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

feel so frustrated. just don`t know to whom to turn, and yet feel have to vent my feelings, so `m writing to you.

am mother whose daughter has entered what is called "the Jewish Match parsha." never imagined that it could be so difficult. My daughter is a wonderful jewish girl. know that all mothers say that, but everyone agrees that she is truly lovely. She is 20, spent a year studying in seminary in Yerushalayim and is presently continuing her education at Touro College and is also working. let out the word that we are looking for a Jewish Match and called friends as well as shadchanim, but we`ve had hardly any recommendations. Her friends are getting engaged and married and know that she feels depressed, although she never complains. guess she doesn`t want to upset us, and we do not want to upset her, so we don`t talk about it. It is a silent pain that we share. My daughter is only interested in a jewish boy who will be learning. We are not people of means, but she is a hard worker and very gifted. Even now, while in school, she is working and earning a nice salary. Although we cannot give any substantial support, we would be happy to contribute a modest sum, and hopefully, the machatonim would do the same.

cannot help but believe that the reason why we haven`t received any positive responses is because it is known that we cannot provide substantial support. In any event, that is the reality. Last week, for the first time, thought we had some good news. One of the shadchanim whom consulted called with a recommendation. She informed me that this is a very good jewish boy and his mother has many girls on the list. At first, the jewish boy`s mother was reluctant to add yet another name, but Baruch Hashem, last week she received a call from Jerusalem, from a cousin who knew my daughter from seminary and spoke of her in glowing terms. So now, the shadchan told me, Baruch Hashem, they`re interested.

But my joy was short-lived. The shadchan also informed me that before the jewish boy` parents agree that the young people should meet, she and her husband would like to come to my house to interview my daughter. was absolutely shocked... never heard of such a thing. But the shadchan assured me that that`s how it`s done nowadays, and if want a good jewish boy, `d better get used to it. So `m trying to acclimate myself to this new way of Jewish Dating. If it has to be, it has to be. But how do present this to my daughter? know she will resent being checked out. She is highly sensitive and would find this terribly offensive. So `m writing to you in the hope that you can give us some good tips, some guidelines that my daughter could accept without feeling compromised. do want her to meet this jewish boy because heard that he is exceptional.