Jewish Singles Issues

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(Conclusion) For the past few weeks have published series of letters on shidduchim. Two views were presented on the problem of Jewish Singles. One young woman of 24 wrote that she would be happy in her Jewish Single state were it not for the incessant insensitive remarks of busybodies who feel called upon to comment on her Jewish Single plight. Another view reflected just the opposite opinion, stating that it is important to have input, reminders, and yes, even intervention from the married Jewish Community, not only to make shidduchim, but also to help Jewish Single people see themselves in a more realistic fashion and thus maximize their Jewish Match opportunities. Who is right? The following is my response:
(Conclusion)



For the past few weeks have published series of letters on shidduchim. Two views were presented on the problem of Jewish Singles. One young woman of 24 wrote that she would be happy in her Jewish Single state were it not for the incessant insensitive remarks of busybodies who feel called upon to comment on her Jewish Single plight.

Another view reflected just the opposite opinion, stating that it is important to have input, reminders, and yes, even intervention from the married Jewish Community, not only to make shidduchim, but also to help Jewish Single people see themselves in more realistic fashion and thus maximize their Jewish Match opportunities. Who is right? The following is my response:

My Dear Friends:

There is well known old story that concerns a woman who comes to her Rebbe with a litany of complaints about her shalom bayis problems. The Rebbe listened to her with great sympathy and indicated that he regarded her complaints as justified.

The following day, her husband visited the Rebbe and presented his views on the very same conflict. Once again, the Rebbe listened attentively and expressed sympathy for the man and agreed that he too was correct.

After overhearing both conversations, the Rebbetzin approached her husband and said, " don`t understand — first you told the woman that she was right, and then you told the husband that he was right. How could they both be right?"

To which the Rebbe replied, "You are also right!"

This is humorous little story, but in humor there is often much truth. Frequently, when you consider a problem from the perspective of the individuals involved, you will find cause to identify with both, for each side presents a compelling case, and merit can be found for each of their arguments.

Similarly, these opposing views on the Jewish Singles scene both have validity. To be Jewish Single in Jewish Marriage-oriented Jewish Community is difficult enough, but to be constantly reminded of it can only serve to aggravate an already painful wound. So before people speak, they would do well to consider the impact their comments will have — whether they will be helpful or damaging. And if indeed they are convinced that by speaking out they will be helpful, then by all means, they should. But when in doubt, it is best to follow the teaching of our sages, "Silence is the better part of wisdom."

What constitutes helpful comment? helpful comment is a concrete suggestions of a Jewish Match. When there is a close, intimate relationship with a person, then one can even make a recommendation for a good dermatologist or dentist. Such suggestions are, of course, very delicate, and can only be undertaken by people who are sensitive and whom the Jewish Single person trusts.

Examples of unhelpful comments are, "So, what are you waiting for?" or "When are we going to hear mazel tov? It`s time you know..."

On the other hand, there is no escaping the fact that nowadays, many Jewish Singles are not very realistic about their situations, and yes, as one of our writers suggested, they should look in the mirror before they become fixated on finding "that perfect Jewish Marriage partner".

Of course, no one will concede that they are being unrealistic. Jewish Singles will often tell you " just want him to be mentsch," or " `m not looking for big things — just a kind, good hearted jewish girl." But when you question these people more closely, you will also discover that "that mensch" also has to be smart, nice looking and successful with a great personality," and if you are dealing with the religious Jewish Community, then he has to be a "good learner," and very often, financially secure — plus, of course, "from a good family." Most often, the girls who make these demands fall short of these qualifications themselves, but they never see themselves realistically.

As for the guys, when they say, "Just good, kind- hearted jewish girl" — they also mean "beautiful, thin, smart, willing to work, but not consumed by a career....." and it goes without saying that they have to have "a great personality!" These very same guys never look in the mirror!

professional shadchan once remarked to me that what Jewish Singles are looking for nowadays in one person can realistically only be found by combining three or four people! As they say in Yiddish, "Alles by einem is nisht du bei keinem " — "no one person has everything!"

So yes, when searching for Jewish Match, you have to look in the mirror — a mirror that will reflect not only your physical self, but your emotional and intellectual image as well. And even as you are not the picture of perfection, so you cannot anticipate that your potential Jewish Match will be.

To sum up — there` no doubt that Jewish Singles — like most people who carry burdens in their hearts, are super sensitive on the subject of their Jewish Single state, and therefore, when speaking to them about shidduchim, one must be very careful. We know that our father Jacob did not criticize his sons until he was on his deathbed because he was afraid that they might misinterpret his comments. Therefore, our sages teach that he refrained from admonishing Reuven lest, as a result, he leave home and take up residence with his wicked uncle Esau.

Sometimes, negative comments can push Jewish Single people over the edge. Unable to take the pressure — the constant digs and reminders may cause them to move far from home where they become vulnerable to the many enticements of our contemporary world and very often compromise their Yiddishkeit.

Therefore, return to my original premise — Before you speak — think, evaluate and measure. Will the Jewish Single person benefit from your remarks, will he/she be receptive, or will you do more harm than good?

Most Jewish Single people want desperately to marry, and reminding them of their situation is not only gratuitous, but painful. Those who are sincerely committed to helping Jewish Singles should do so by introducing them to potential Jewish Match candidates and helping them see the positive rather than the negative. Certainly, we should all try to take an active role in the great mitzva of establishing Jewish homes, especially in face of the fact that Jewish demographic studies demonstrate that, outside of the Orthodox Jewish Community, there is zero population growth among our people.

So let` all become sensitive shadchanim — let us gently try to make Jewish Single people "look in that mirror" so that they may come to understand that even as they are imperfect, the Jewish Match candidate recommended to them may also be imperfect, but together, they can reach their shleimut — wholeness and fulfillment.