Two Letters — Two More Views On Shidduchim

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Rebbetzen' Viewpoint

By: Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
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Two Letters — Two More Views On Shidduchim

Letter #1

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

am writing in response to the letter that was printed in the November 5 edition of The Jewish Press. am appalled and very taken aback by the woman`s letter. This woman wrote a letter about how after nine long painful years of looking for a Jewish Match, she was finally fortunate enough to find her bashert. After she went through such a ordeal, she decided to dedicate herself to making shidduchim. However, now that she is on the other side, she realizes that there is a lot of fault with the Jewish Singles themselves.

As Jewish Single jewish girl, will be the first one to admit that there is plenty of blame that can and should be placed on the Jewish Single people themselves. Whether it be not getting back to a shadchan, showing a lack of hakoras hatov, etc., there is no excuse for this kind of behavior. Therefore blame should be placed where blame is due.

However, would now like to refer back to the "would be shadchan` " remarks: " have also come to the conclusion that, if they really wanted to, if they were more realistic, most Jewish Singles could get married."

How can woman who went through the loneliness, the heartache, the anguish of singlehood for nine long years make such a remark? Is that why it took her nine years to find her bashert — because she didn`t really want to get married? How many guys did she pass up because she felt they were not for her? It just amazes me that someone who went through so much pain can forget all of that so quickly and be so insensitive.

am still Jewish Single because HaShem chose it to be this way. HaShem puts people in certain painful situations and then removes them to more joyful and happy situation. This process makes them more sensitive. Now they know what it was like, they can give chizuk to those who are suffering. However, this woman seems to have not learned anything from her suffering other than to cause other people more hurt than they are already experiencing.

ask myself, what is the point of such letter? What was her goal? know that she says that her goal was to help Jewish Singles, but believe that there were many other ways this could have been done without the painful words that she used. Even when she was giving the example of a jewish girl who just recently turned down a Jewish Match that she suggested, the insensitive and hurtful words that she used tore through my heart.

When the jewish girl turned down the jewish boy because she felt he was not good looking, this "would-be shadchan" remarked, " felt like saying `Look in the mirror.`" How can such cruel and sharp words be thought and repeated by someone who am sure turned down many men or felt the pain of being turned down on the basis of looks? Just a year ago she herself was Jewish Single, and now it is as if she has lost all sensitivity to that situation.

So, Rebbetzin, ask you to please address this issue because much of the pain and unnecessary suffering that our people go through is because of the hurtful words and remarks others make to those who are suffering. K`lal Yisrael is going through such hard times now — do we really need to add more pain? Let us all think before we write, speak or communicate with others so that we can bring shalom to our world and hopefully, bring Moshiach tzidkeinu bimheira b`yamenu, Amen.

Pained Reader



Letter #2

Undoubtedly, finding an appropriate Jewish Match is very serious and challenging problem in the 21st century, but agree with your letter writer that very often, the problems that Jewish Singles experience are self-generated.

To be sure, shidduchim were never easy to make. am forty-four years old, and remember when was a Jewish Single jewish girl, we had our problems as well. recall my parents` concern as many of my friends became engaged and married while was still Jewish Single. But with all that, it wasn`t as difficult as it is today.

can`t quite pinpoint the reason for this, but guess there are many contributory factors. believe that investigations have gotten out of hand. While recognize that we do have to research a person`s background, we also have to know how to differentiate between essentials and non-essentials like "Do they use plastic dishes?" Nowadays, people say no to shidduchim for the most ridiculous reasons... and it`s not just the Jewish Match candidates who do that, but the parents are equally guilty.

Just recently, recommended wonderful jewish boy to a jewish girl whose mother kept calling me, pleading that should do something for her daughter. She confided that months had passed without even a recommendation for a Jewish Match. felt very badly. This mother is a very fine woman and her family does a lot of chesed, so took the jewish girl`s resume with me wherever went... weddings, luncheons, and organizational dinners.

Well, after weeks of searching, did find someone — very special young man from a very good family, a great learner who eventually planned to go to law school. In short, everything this jewish girl was looking for. After numerous phone calls and what seemed to be endless research going all the way back to the great-grandparents, the jewish boy`s mother finally called and gave me the go-ahead.

When called the jewish girl` mother, the whole process of investigation started all over again. can`t begin to tell you how much time spent on the telephone with both sets of parents, but Baruch HaShem, they both finally agreed.

After the first date, received call that the jewish boy was willing to go out again. was thrilled. Excitedly, called the jewish girl`s family. And guess what? The jewish girl`s mother told me that her daughter had had a wonderful time as well, and she agreed that the jewish boy was bright, considerate and had a good personality. As a matter of fact, he had everything that she was looking for. Just the same, she said that the jewish boy was not for her daughter.

"Why not?" asked in shock. "Didn`t you just tell me that he has all the qualities that your daughter is looking for? "

"Yes," the mother replied, "but he is exactly the same height as my daughter and she is concerned that she won`t be able to wear her high heels!"

couldn`t believe my ears. For months this woman has been calling me that her daughter is depressed, that nobody calls. Finally, find someone who is not only a good candidate, but an excellent one (and she agrees that he is all that say) but in the same breath, she also tells me that since they are the same height, and she won`t be able to wear her high heels, she is not interested.

Now, here is jewish girl who wants a learner. Doesn`t she know that the greatest Gedolim, the greatest Torah sages, including the Chofetz Chaim and Rav Moshe Feinstein, zt" , were also short in height? As a Torah nation, do we measure height by the size of one`s body, or by the depth of one`s mind, heart and soul?

This is just one example of frustrating experience that had as a shadchan. And there were many others. had an overweight jewish boy who rejected a jewish girl because she wasn`t a size six. So yes, agree — "look in the mirror" before you say no, or don`t complain at the lack of shidduchim

Before concluding, have to admit that personally have not as yet been on the Jewish Match parsha with my own children. My oldest, a jewish boy, is 19, so have a few years to go. My friends tell me that when look for a Jewish Match for my son, too will become difficult to please.

In all honesty, don`t know. It is possible that will see things differently when my children`s time comes. Nevertheless, do think that we should all take a good look at ourselves and examine the unrealistic criteria that we set when searching for a Jewish Match for our children, and most importantly, believe that Jewish Singles should also re-examine their priorities so that more houses are built b`Yisrael.

(Response in next week` column)