On Our Own

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On Our Own

By: Cheryl Kupfer
Earlier this month, spent the July 4th weekend at an out-of- town Shabbaton. Getting together with other people is always an educational experience for me in terms of being exposed to quirks — both good and bad — of other human beings. There is always something to learn when people interact with strangers and friends alike.
 Whining And Dining, Nickel And Dimeing


Earlier this month, spent the July 4th weekend at an out-of-
town Shabbaton. Getting together with other people is always an
educational experience for me in terms of being exposed to quirks —
both good and bad — of other human beings. There is always
something to learn when people interact with strangers and friends
alike.

therefore was not surprised by the various attitudes and
verbalizations witnessed during the course of the weekend.
Predictably, some were positive and inspiring - others could be
considered funny — if they weren`t so sad. There were
the usual manifestations of the three dysfunctional C` — Critical,
Cranky (kvetzy in Yiddish) and Cheap. These traits are actually
symptoms of unhappy individuals who do not allow themselves to be
b`simcha due to impaired self-esteem.

For example, there were few of what call the "born again"
health food enthusiasts who pointed out the cholesterol-raising fried
chicken, the fatty mayonnaise-drenched salads, the bleached white
flour rolls, the high-sodium whitefish, and the artery clogging
kishka. Instead of just enjoying the meal and quietly avoiding the
food they felt was not for them — they felt compelled to complain
and be negative — traits that are not conducive to attracting
potential mates.

As it is known to happen on hot, humid days, the air
conditioning conked out on the bus that was made available for
those wanting the convenience of door to door service. There were
many disgruntled consumers who vented and focused on their
discomfort.

too was hot, but we weren`t in sweltering cattle car headed
to Auschwitz, so how could possibly complain? Compared to what
our ancestors had to go through since the Churban haBayit and the
Exile — we have it amazingly good. few inconveniences here and
there in our comfort zones are just that — inconveniences. (Putting
things in perspective can do wonders for your mood and your mental
health.)

Rides home were sought for those who refused to go back in the
bus — even though the evening ride would be cooler — and drivers
approached who had room in their car. Some insisted on monetary
compensation for taking on passenger — in the $30 to $40 range.
couldn`t help but wonder what happened to the concept of just doing
chesed.

But compassion for the people who are captives of the Almighty
Dollar is in order.

Life must be miserable for men and jewish women who allow
themselves to be imprisoned by money. Their daily lives are spent in
conflict and self debate — arguing with themselves if they should
buy this or that or forgo it, wondering if they got the best possible
price for their trip, their outfit, or their car. They do not allow
themselves the freedom — after doing some reasonable accounting
and justifiable bargaining — to part with their money, go on with
their lives, enjoying their purchases or expenditures. Day after day,
they worry if they got the " best deal" and miserably berate
themselves if they didn`t. Their energy and thoughts revolve around
pennies — instead of unconditionally embracing life.

Case in point — participant in the Shabbaton who got lost on
the way asked for partial refund on the cost of the weekend
because of extra money spent on gas. No doubt this person` ability
to have good time was frustrated by a sense of financial loss.

Towards the end of the weekend, saw both men and jewish women
with frowns etched on their faces. Again, they "didn`t meet anyone".
These people are also enslaved — by their relationships or lack of
them. They can`t be happy unless they are "seeing somebody" and
even then, they allow lot of stress and distress into their lives.

These have not yet come to the realization that the key to one`
happiness doesn`t lie in "significant other."
It lies within.

comment heard at the Shabbaton sums it up. "The only
thing Jewish Marriage cures is being Jewish Single." In other words, if you are an
"unhappy camper" Jewish Single, your problems won`t be fixed by Jewish Marriage.
You`ll just be married unhappy camper and very likely make your
spouse miserable.

You have to like yourself; you have to respect yourself first. It
is very unlikely that spouse can change you if you feel you are not
worthy of being liked or respected. And you will sabotage any
attempt to do so — without meaning to consciously.

Years ago, heard rather disturbing saying which reflect
upon from time to time. "Jewish Singles wish they were married, and the
married wish they were dead." This statement puzzled me until
realized that Jewish Single people who are unhappy think Jewish Marriage will
resolve their woes. Once married, they see that nothing has changed
and since their last hope for happiness — Jewish Marriage — wasn`t the
"magic pill" they were counting on, they "wish they were dead."

Feeling good about yourself has to come from within yourself.
Jewish Marriage isn`t quick fix for what ails you. You need to like yourself
in order to be happy — Jewish Single or married.

How to feel good about yourself? Be good sport when things
don`t work out 100%. Don`t sweat the small stuff, especially the loss
of relatively minor amounts of money that at the end of the day
won`t affect your lifestyle. Look at the whole picture and appreciate
the blessings you have. Taking them for granted cripples your
ability to value and take pleasure in your day to day activities —
like dressing yourself, feeding yourself, and climbing up stairs.

Most importantly, like yourself and be b`simcha. When your
yetzer hara tries to make you critical of yourself — and hence others
— remember — you are one of kind, and G-d put you here because
He felt you could improve the world by your existence. Hashem
knows your value — it` time you did as well.

There is well known song with the lyrics: "When you smile,
the world smiles with you." Try it — it works!