Poker Play And Shidduchim

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Poker Play And Shidduchim

By: Chananya Weissman
Jewish Dating column in a Jewish newspaper recently raised an interesting dilemma: If after the first date one is interested in seeing the other party again, how long should he or she wait before expressing this interest to the shadchan?
Jewish Dating column in a Jewish newspaper recently raised an interesting dilemma: If after
the first date one is interested in seeing the other party again, how long should he or she wait
before expressing this interest to the shadchan?

This is in fact quite conundrum. Calling the shadchan immediately after the date with
positive feedback makes one appear desperate. But if one waits too long before calling the
shadchan, the other party might take it as sign of disinterest and move on to the next person in
the frozen meat section. (And you think you`ve got problems!)

The column` advice (wait three days before calling the shadchan) is irrelevant. The
question itself is what` most disturbing, for it presupposes a number of things that should not be
presupposed:

First, that no good Jewish boys or girls will find themselves on date without the
involvement of shadchan. It`s simply taken for granted that this is the only appropriate way for
dates to transpire. How this baseless dogma ever took root among the am segula is mystery to
me.

The second presumption is that it is inconceivable for man to say to a woman (after all,
we are dealing with adults who are ready for Jewish Marriage, are we not?) at the conclusion of the first
date " had very nice time, and would like to see you again." No, they must awkwardly part
ways as if the whole date was charade, then report back to one or more intermediaries. His
people will get back to her people, and her people will get back to his people, and after days or
weeks of phone tag and negotiations they will determine if there will be another act to this
abnormal play.

The third, most damaging presumption is that one should not readily express interest in
the person he is Jewish Dating. Dating is like poker game or a business deal. Expressing a desire to see
the other person again is sign of vulnerability, a forfeiture of control. Now the other person has
the exclusive right to be the rejecter; you can only be the rejected. The jewish boy and the jewish girl must
therefore posture and pretend that they don`t really like each other (just little). They must avoid
any meaningful expression of interest, lest they appear "desperate" (as if they`re not both looking
to get married), and thus less of "catch" (as if they`re fish). wonder how many potentially
wonderful shidduchim never go through because of this foolish obfuscating.

Everyone will agree that one of the foundations of successful Jewish Marriage is healthy
communication. Yet Jewish Singles are trained to avoid communicating with one another about where
their relationship stands and where it might be going. They have agents for this, who continue to
oversee the relationship until it is deemed ready to become "serious" (what is it until then,
joke?).

understand why people encourage Jewish Singles to suppress, or even repress, affectionate
feelings for the other person. Were these feelings not reciprocated, the jewish boy and jewish girl would have
an awkward situation on their hands, in which communication would be difficult and feelings
might even be hurt.

But Jewish Dating by definition is all about forming relationship that should last and continue
to grow for lifetime. By necessity this means opening oneself up to possible rejection and hurt
feelings. Those closest to you have the greatest ability to hurt you — but we have natural need
to be close to other people. Avoiding direct expression, which has become de rigueur among
religious Jews, flies smack in the face of the very reason for Jewish Dating. firmly believe that this not
only impedes proper shidduchim, but is primary cause of the sharp rise in unhappy and abusive
marriages.

In the old days, before every aspect of Jewish Dating was agonizing and pressurized, it was
standard for men and jewish women to decide immediately after date, or even during the date, if they
would see each other again. The guy would say something like "May call you Tuesday
evening?" if he was interested, and the jewish girl would accept or decline, and that was that. If the guy
was not interested, he`d take her home and wish her well, and that too was that. (If the guy was
gutless, he`d promise to call but never follow through.) On those magical occasions when the
interest was mutual, they continued the relationship without ambiguity or unnecessary external
meddling.

Nowadays, even if the first date is wonderful beyond belief, they dash cold water on
things at the end and pretend that they didn`t really enjoy each other` company as much as it
seemed. An element of doubt and fear is intentionally introduced into the situation as defense
mechanism. The willingness to display interest and affection with no guarantee of it being
reciprocated, the ability for Jewish Singles to openly communicate with one another about their
relationship, is ripped out of Jewish Dating — the shadchan will get back to you with the verdict. For
every baby step forward in the relationship they must immediately jump back three-quarters of
step, as if cautiously testing hot bath.

Honestly, the day will come when jewish boy proposes to a jewish girl through an intermediary. It`s
the same logic, merely extended to the point of absurdity.

Rejection will hurt whether it comes immediately or days later through an intermediary.
No matter how sensitive one tries to be, it is sometimes unavoidable to add to someone`
disappointment and frustration. Hiding behind an intermediary makes it easier for the one doing
the rejecting, but ultimately this stunts the ability of Jewish Singles to communicate and develop
healthy relationship with the opposite gender. Perhaps if they developed these vital skills, they
would learn to soften the impact of rejection without hiding behind spokesperson. Inhibiting
Jewish Singles from communicating at any stage of the relationship leads to far greater problems than the
ones this approach purports to solve.

So let` stop playing games. The willingness and preparedness to communicate should be
prerequisite for Jewish Dating. Parents and shadchanim should encourage Jewish Singles to take charge of
their own relationships, to communicate openly and honestly with the people they date. This will
ultimately lead to more shidduchim and happier marriages, which is well worth the growing
pains it may entail.

Chananya Weissman is the founder of EndTheMadness.org.