So You Want To Be Shadchan? Dos and Don`ts of Setting Jewish Singles Up

[admin]

So You Want To Be Shadchan? Dos and Don`ts of Setting Jewish Jewish Jewish Singles Up

By: Chananya Weissman
Every now and then someone comes up with supposedly original and extremely simple solution to the so-called Jewish Match Crisis. It goes something like this: "Everyone out there should think of the Jewish Jewish Singles he or she knows and make it a personal priority to set them up." Particularly creative people will propose "adopt-a-Jewish Jewish Jewish Single" programs (as if Jewish Singles are pets) or reinvent the Jewish Match group in one form or another.
Every now and then someone comes up with supposedly original and extremely simple
solution to the so-called Jewish Match Crisis. It goes something like this: "Everyone out there should
think of the Jewish Jewish Singles he or she knows and make it personal priority to set them up." Particularly
creative people will propose "adopt- -Jewish Jewish Single" programs (as if Jewish Jewish Singles are pets) or reinvent the
Jewish Match group in one form or another.

The premise behind these ideas is that we need to get greater number of Jewish Jewish Singles going
out on greater number of dates, and everything will magically fall right into place. And if we
don`t really know what we`re doing, that` okay. G-d will pick up the slack.

The result is that greater number of Jewish Jewish Singles do go out on a greater number of dates, most
of which are unsuccessful or downright disappointing. The Jewish Jewish Singles become more frustrated at
their continued misfortune. Some of them become annoyed — even angry — at the person who
set them up with someone from left field. The shadchan (by this mean whoever sets people up)
becomes offended at the Jewish Jewish Single person` lack of gratitude and appreciation for all the time and
effort involved in setting the date up. Jewish Singles become more apprehensive about being set up,
while those in position to set them up become more reluctant to do so.

Ironically, the situation is compounded by the fact that small percentage of the time
things work out just great. As with casino, this occasional positive reinforcement causes
everyone to keep playing the slots with hopes of hitting the jackpot. Jewish Singles continue drawing
from the same empty wells, while the rare success bolsters the shadchan` belief in his or her
failure-ridden methods. Consequently, the flippant suggestion that we need more Jewish Match
groups is like suggesting we smother fire with gasoline. The cost (added pain and frustration to
great number of people) does not justify the benefit (the rare success).

What we need is to improve the overall quality of the set-up process without introducing
new strains of the questions and investigations that cause more harm than good. And — dare
say it? — it really is simple. The following series of guidelines will relieve Jewish Jewish Singles of much
anxiety and make the mitzvah of setting people up much more pleasant. (In order to desensitize
the reader` natural resistance to a critique of the status quo, will begin with peripheral items
and gradually progress to the most vital concerns.)

1) The words we use are supremely important and reflect our subconscious attitudes.
Don`t tell someone " have perfect jewish boy/jewish girl for you." Unless the Almighty Himself revealed this
information to you, it is presumptuous to use such exaggerative terminology. (Just consider how
difficult it is to find someone "perfect" for yourself!) It is also foolhardy to make such
statement because inevitably it will be wrong high percentage of the time — often spectacularly
so — and Jewish Jewish Singles will resent having their hopes unduly raised only to be deflated. So never tell
Jewish Jewish Singles that you have jewish boy/jewish girl for them (it`s patronizing), and absolutely never say you have
someone perfect for them. Do make friendly suggestion.

2) Don`t offer to set someone up without first checking with him directly to see if he is
available and interested. Don`t just say to guy "Hi, know a jewish girl think you should meet" as if
he` just standing there and waiting for someone to set him up. Even if you know that the person
is available and interested, it` tactless to propose a Jewish Match in such a fashion. We have to be
acutely sensitive for people` feelings at all times, and particularly in this most personal aspect of
their lives. Asking the question before launching into your sales pitch shows concern for the
dignity of the individual you wish to help.

3) Don`t overestimate your role when setting people up. Regardless of how many years
you`ve been doing it and how many success stories you can tell, you`re nothing more than pawn
on G-d` giant chess board. While He surely desires and appreciates your willingness to act as His
agent, don`t ever say that you "made" Jewish Match. You did no such thing. The most that anyone
can do is facilitate two people meeting one another. Whether or not the Jewish Match is ultimately
made is up to them and the Overseer of all things. Do say that you helped bring two people
together, and be proud of it, too. Good things happen through good people.

[admin]

4) Don`t get involved with shidduchim unless you`re prepared to put your heart and soul
into this holy endeavor. Rule of thumb: if you aren`t committing the same thought, concern, and
effort as you would for someone close to you, you`re probably not doing anyone favor. It`s a
cop-out to say "You never know, maybe it will work." Maybe you`ll win the lottery, too, but that`
no strategy for making living. Just because ultimately "It`s in G-d`s hands" doesn`t absolve us of
the responsibility to try our very best.

"Come on, what` the worst that can happen?" The worst that can happen is that you will
be directly responsible for two extremely vulnerable people (plus their families) experiencing
profound disappointment and increased frustration. That possibility always exists, but setting
people up in haphazard, almost random fashion is just asking for trouble.

We must never lose sight of the fact that we are dealing with people` lives — with their
deepest emotions. An ill-conceived date is lost time, lost money, and, most of all, lost emotional
energy. It makes it that much more difficult to keep one` spirits up and approach the next date
with hopeful attitude. If you don`t really care about the people involved, if you don`t fully
appreciate the responsibility, then find another mitzvah with which to occupy yourself.

5) How can we set up people in more qualitative fashion? Easy. Get to know them
personally. Not as an index card. Not through hearsay, assumptions, and generalizations.
Personally. Asking questions about total strangers will give you terribly distorted impression of
who they really are. Don`t tell me that "x" percent of people who attended certain yeshiva turn
out certain way, because "y" percent of them don`t — we`re dealing with human beings, not
numbers. By lumping people together based on labels and stereotypes we increase the pressure
on everyone to keep up with the latest pseudo-religious fads, and destroy the uniqueness and
individuality with which we are all blessed.

The role of the shadchan is not to arrange the greatest number of dates possible. The role
of the shadchan is to devote dedicated effort to each individual. The minimum and maximum
that can be expected from shadchan is that the date makes good sense, even if it doesn`t work
out. Someone who facilitates twelve shidduchim in ten years while causing pain to many
hundreds of people has lost more than he` gained.

If we are truly acting as G-d` agents, we must emulate His methods: just as G-d takes a
detailed personal interest in each individual, so must we. If this means spending time just talking
to each Jewish Jewish Single about regular things, thereby getting real sense of whom that person is, that is
what must be done. And if this means that you will have time to help fewer people, so be it.
That` the job that you were given.

If you cannot provide even one substantial reason why this jewish boy in particular should meet
this jewish girl in particular, you haven`t fulfilled your responsibilities to the parties involved. Avoid
generic adjectives (nice, pretty, smart, religious) that fail to distinguish the unique qualities of the
individual. Focus instead on meaningful descriptions: What has she done that demonstrates her
wonderful character or intelligence? What are his thoughts about certain issues? If Jewish Jewish Singles are
confident that the people setting them up know them as unique individuals and have devoted
serious thought to the matter, they will look forward to their dates instead of dreading them.

6) Don`t disappear into thin air after approaching Jewish Jewish Single. It`s hard to believe, but many
well-meaning Jews follow in the footsteps of Efron. They get off to great start: they approach
the Jewish Jewish Single directly, ascertain his availability and interest in potential Jewish Match, and promise to
be in touch. Then, after getting his hopes up, they enter the witness protection program, never to
be heard from again. If you`re not involved with shidduchim, you`d be stunned by how often this
occurs.

The Jewish Jewish Single person is left wondering what happened. Has he been forgotten? Has he
already been rejected for some mysterious reason? He might never know. Even if he knows how
to reach the shadchan, it` awkward and embarrassing to chase after someone.

Never do this to person you wish to help. If you aren`t committed to following through,
don`t start making offers and suggestions. Once you do, you have an obligation to be in touch
before long, even if just to say that you`re still working on it. It only takes minute, and it shows
you really care. And if the other person isn`t available or interested after all, let your Jewish Jewish Single friend
know. He`ll appreciate having proper closure to the situation. Don`t be an Efron.

7) Treat Jewish Jewish Singles like the mature adults they are. If you can offer them further assistance
after setting them up, then do so — but don`t be overbearing. And if they decline your offer to be
set up, don`t get offended or try to force it on them. You have no right to presume that you know
what` best for someone. Jewish Singles will appreciate the gesture and your respect for their
decision-making abilities.

By setting people up more qualitatively, instead of more quantitatively, many of the
pressures of Jewish Jewish Jewish Dating will be avoided. If we truly care about those we are trying to help, we can be
sure that our efforts will be appreciated and ultimately rewarded, both in this world and the next.◙