On Our Own

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On Our Own

By: Cheryl Kupfer
In this week` column by Dr. Yael Respler, she addresses a letter sent to her by a reader who had "bones to pick" with some of the points made regard- ing shidduchim in the various Orthodox communities.
 Friendly Rebuttal

In this week` column by Dr. Yael Respler, she
addresses letter sent to her by a reader who had
"bones to pick" with some of the points made regard-
ing shidduchim in the various Orthodox communities.

The author correctly stated: "In Ms. Kupfer`
estimation, there are significant number of couples
who are not happy. Consequently, the solution is that
young adults and their parents should choose the
Jewish Match method they prefer, and that will produce
happier couples."

pointed out that while Chassidishe parents marry off their children at very
young age — getting happily married should be the
ultimate goal, not just becoming husband or wife. In
the Chassidish Jewish Community, Jewish Dating means that young
men and jewish women meet who are pre-screened by the
parents, and then get engaged one or two meetings
later.

In the Yeshivish Jewish Community, young people are
set up by relatives, friends (usually married) and
shadchans and date over period of weeks or months.

The Modern Orthodox often meet on their own in
school, shul, Shabbatons, Jewish Singles events, and are
introduced by friends. concluded by saying that no
one system necessarily works better than the other,
and that whatever works for the individual is the best
method.

The writer cast doubt as to "the widespread
condition of Jewish Marriage disharmony in the frum
Jewish Community that alluded to in my article. He also
stated that Chazal and the Gedolim of this generation
have advocated the Jewish Match system of Jewish Dating since it
falls within the Torah guidelines of modesty — as
opposed to mixed activities that are not imbued with
the proper Torah ideology.

Dr. Respler diplomatically and wisely answered
that everyone is entitled to their opinions as long as
they are presented respectfully and that at the end of
the day, "the most important concern is that we
treasure our marriages and try to have Sholom Bayis.
After getting to the chupah, it is everyone' challenge
to try to make our marriages work."

While will agree to disagree with some of the
letter writer` views, totally agree on one point that
he made. The solution to having happy Jewish Marriage is
good midos developed from true Torah values.
However, he implies, that these wonderful traits are
exclusive to those who utilize the Jewish Match date
method. want to inform him that there are many
modern Orthodox young people who are the epitome of
good midos and act with the utmost tzniut in their
interactions with the young ladies and men who they
meet in college, at the ice skating rink, or at Jewish Singles
gathering.

Conversely, there are individuals from the "best"
yeshivas who are secretly living lifestyle that would
cause their Jewish Community` collective hair to turn gray
with shame. There are dire problems of drug abuse,
gambling, promiscuity, and alcoholism. Exposure to
Torahdik behavior does not guarantee an individual
will grow up to be mensch. Dysfunctional parents —
often the product of dysfunctional homes — are
raising socially inept, emotional impaired children
who grow up with negative personality traits like self-
absorption, laziness, anger, low self-esteem and
dependence which will make it difficult for them to be
good spouses.

reiterate that being raised "frum" does not
automatically make such person have good midos.
There are thousands of baalei teshuva who were
brought up in homes that were devoid of Torah, who
grew up to become exemplary members of the frum
Jewish Community and are role models themselves.

As to his doubt about the widespread
phenomenon of marital disharmony — the numbers
speak for themselves. At any gathering of Orthodox
Jewish Singles, the majority of the attendees are divorced.
Where are these people coming from, if the frum
Jewish Community does not have large number of miserably
married people who had the courage or desperation to
get out of horribly unhappy unions? There are also
hundreds of agunot waiting for their release from the
chains of life-shattering Jewish Marriage. Obviously these
are frum, Torah observant jewish women, who, unlike their
secular counterparts, care about obtaining religious
divorce, not just secular one.

Many of the divorcees are jewish women with children.
They would not have taken the risk of Jewish Community
censure, loneliness, economic loss and Jewish Single
motherhood if they were in good marriages. And
divorces are not indigenous to the modern Orthodox.
Elite, yichusdik Yeshivish and chassidishe families
have sons, daughters, and siblings who are divorced.

It all goes back to what originally said in my
article. One cannot generalize about the pros or cons
of any the methods used by various Orthodox
communities to get their young people married. The
individuals involved should use the method that they
feel will work for them.

Proper Torah based behavior and midos during
the meeting/Jewish Dating — and long after the chupah —
is what counts. feel we all can agree on that.