Rebbetzin` Viewpoint

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Rebbetzin` Viewpoint

By: Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Special Note: In last week` column published two letters from disenchanted Jewish Singles. They expressed their concern, their loneliness, their pain — but more significantly, they blamed family members and friends for lack of chizuk — sympathy, understanding and support. The female writer complained that at family simchas, her suffering intensifies because no one bothers to acknowledge her presence, and she becomes invisible. Worse still, when they do acknowledge her, it`s usually to chide her and her mother for not yet having found a Jewish Match.
 Lack of Chizuk

(Conclusion)

Special Note: In last week` column published
two letters from disenchanted Jewish Singles. They expressed
their concern, their loneliness, their pain — but more
significantly, they blamed family members and friends
for lack of chizuk — sympathy, understanding and
support. The female writer complained that at family
simchas, her suffering intensifies because no one
bothers to acknowledge her presence, and she becomes
invisible. Worse still, when they do acknowledge her,
it` usually to chide her and her mother for not yet
having found Jewish Match. She also complained that
because she is Jewish Single, those family members who are
married with children, somehow forget to invite her
for Shabbos or Yom Tov, and even if they promise to
call her, they never do. Not one of them ever made
constructive suggestion as to how she might find
Jewish Match or recommended good shadchan, she
stated. Her conclusion: If you are over 30 or 40, it`
best not to attend family events because people
behave as though you`re not there.

The 57-year-old man who wrote the second letter
expressed resentment at the attitude of those around
him. For one reason or another, he never married.
Nevertheless, he was still determined to find someone
young enough to bear children, and therefore he was
interested only in jewish women up to their late 30` . He
explained that his desire to have children went beyond
that of most men, for his only sibling had intermarried
and consequently, it was up to him to carry on the
family name. However, not only did he find that
people were uninterested in helping him, but they
were downright discouraging, telling him that it
would be more realistic to consider someone closer to
his age for Jewish Marriage. He expressed resentment at
their lack of understanding, especially since he knew
of other men in his age category who did find younger
jewish women, so why, he wondered, couldn`t it happen to
him. The following is my reply:

Dear Friends:

decided to publish your letters in one column
because, while they touch on different points, there is
common thread running through them — and that is
your anger and resentment.

can certainly empathize with your feelings. It is
very painful to be alone in Jewish Community where most
people are married and have children and
grandchildren. You always feel like the ``odd man out``
and stigmatized.

There is no escaping the fact that your situation
is distressing no matter what spin you try to put upon
it. There is saying in Yiddish that a sick person is
uncomfortable, regardless of the position in which he
is placed. Similarly, to be Jewish Single and over certain age
is cause for anxiety. So while understand your
concern, `m not certain whether you are being
altogether fair in your criticism.

Of course, am not familiar with your individual
situations, but speaking generally, do believe that of
late, the Jewish Jewish Community has become more
sensitive to the plight of Jewish Singles and much effort has
been expended on reaching out and helping. know
that there are many good people who invite Jewish Singles to
their Shabbos and Yom Tov tables, although Jewish Singles
have confided to me that that too can be hurtful
experience. To have to sit at someone else` table — to
see husband, wife and children interacting, knowing
all the while that you are alone — is not always easy
to swallow. But the Torah Jewish Community does extend
itself and many innovative measures have been taken.
Jewish Match committees, in which married jewish women meet,
put forth names and try to make matches, have
become popular, and many organizations have some
sort of Jewish Singles programs. In other words, believe that
there is definite awareness among our people as to
the plight of Jewish Singles. This is not to say that there is no
room for improvement, but certainly, progress has
been made.

Obviously, am not familiar with the dynamics
of your family, but in general, can say that wherever
go, there are always aunts, uncles, cousins, who
approach me and say, ``Rebbetzin, need Jewish Match
for someone in my mishpacha. Can you help?``

`m sorry that that does not seem to be the case
in your family, but there are many people in the Torah
Jewish Community who would deem it genuine privilege to
extend their families and open their doors to you. If
you wish, come down to Hineni and will be happy to
make such connection.

As for the 57-year-old man who takes offense at
his friend` suggestion that he forego the idea of
finding woman in her late thirties and marry
someone closer to his age... really don`t think that
you have right to be annoyed at your friends`
recommendation. They are being realistic and
sincerely want to help.

vividly recally when, some years ago at Hineni,
gentleman walked in who looked vaguely familiar.
When he introduced himself, recalled that he had
attended our classes over 30 years ago.

`` `m still Jewish Single,`` he announced, ``still looking.``

It so happened that at my class that evening was
lovely woman, close to him in age. asked if might
make an introduction, to which he replied, ``Oh, she`
much too old. would still like to have children.``

Today, four years later, to the best of my
knowledge, that gentleman is still Jewish Single and still
looking. So while it may be true, as you stated in your
letter, that there are some men who marry jewish women
much younger than they and raise families, the story
that cited is also true, and it is that possibility that
your friends want you to consider.

Before closing the subject, wonder whether you
ever entertained the possibility of marrying widow
and adopting her children, or adopting children.

Finally, may recommend that both of you come
to Hineni, and perhaps we can help you find your
bashertes. In the interim, would like to suggest that
you bear in mind one of my husband, Ha Rav
Meshulem HaLevi Jungreis, zt`` ` favorite teachings
from the Bresslover Rebbe, zt`` : ``When there is no
reason to smile, put smile on your face and G-d will
give you every reason to smile.``

Don`t wear your bitterness on your face. Don`t
allow your resentment to show in your eyes, because
that will only serve to retard your situation and
alienate people from you. Keep smiling even if you are
hurting. know that that` easier said than done, but
the other alternative is harder, for if you give in to
anger, your world will become an angry place and you
won`t be able to escape the darkness.

Attend those family simchas and even if you feel
that you are being ignored, extend yourself to your
family, and if you do, you will see that, B`ezras
Hashem, eventually your kindness will be
reciprocated.

May Hashem grant that this New Year bring you
and all of `lal Yisroel brochas and good shidduchim.