just dont see it

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` Just Don`t See It`: The Jewish Match Scene Again
Special Note: Every time think we have exhausted the topic of shidduchim, another letter comes my way which presents new facet of the problem. Our concerned letter writer very wisely points out that sometimes Jewish Single people are their own worst enemies because they write off potential candidates without giving them a fair chance. All Jewish Single people claim that they want to marry, but there are many factors that preclude them from bringing their dreams to fruition. The letter writer presents what she considers to be yet another obstacle.

Dear Rebbetzin:

would like to applaud you for your advice and words of inspiration in your widely read column It is unquestionably wonderful tool to reach out to the frum Jewish Community, and the respect you have garnered has made you a formidable personage.

am writing to you about the Jewish Dating scene. The Jewish Match world unfortunately has many faults. could write reams of paper about its negatives, but societal mores do not tend to permit another way to meet your basherte. Instead of attacking each facet of "the system," want to address one pet peeve of mine, which am certain affects many Jewish Singles.

That is, the trite phrase, " just don`t see it."

As have many Jewish Single friends, this is sentence that have heard so many times that it has become a cliche non-answer excuse in Jewish Dating. And what does it mean? That the young man/woman can`t imagine themselves married to their date. After more than three dates, this excuse usually comes with an explanation to justify the decision. This respect and accept, but why is it that so many Jewish Singles feel that they must have a prophecy of a happy Jewish Marriage immediately? What a chutzpa it is to expect to be struck with love at first sight which will overcome all barriers!

With so many individuals searching endlessly for their basherts, it is imperative that Jewish Singles observe that there is communication problem in Jewish Dating. When a pair goes out once, twice, or even three times, there are not usually enough issues discussed to give each individual a real feel for the other`s thoughts, sentiments, personality. What one sees on the first few dates is only a small part of the picture, not the sum of all parts.

Misconceptions are formed very easily and are hard to change. Sometimes, the young man/woman formulates an opinion based on what the other said that does not in any way truly represent or reflect who they are or what their goals are. If and when someone tells me that he or she feels that their date was not for them on specific grounds, as shadchan, often have the ability to clarify certain issues that can help the person evaluate and make the decision whether or not to go out again. always encourage Jewish Singles to go out on second dates, there is rarely a way to connect with a person after a few meager hours spent together in nervous anticipation.

There is the time pressure factor as well; date is a simulated experience of how life might be with person x. If you can`t "see it," don`t waste time, move on to the next. People forget that there is however, no clock ticking against them; everyone will find his or her basherte, b`sh`ah tova. Don`t miss your basherte because you wouldn`t give them a second chance!

friend of mine recently went out with a young man on two dates. Both claimed to have had a very pleasant time and a lot of fun. They even agreed on goals and priorities, and had only good things to say about each other. But the young man "just didn`t see it." This young woman was very surprised. She had been Jewish Dating for long enough to get a pretty good idea of what might have potential and what would not. If didn`t know the parties involved, would say that perhaps this young man did not find her attractive. know that this was not the case. With no explanation, it was over. The young woman later found out the young man`s reasoning through mutual friends and was very hurt to discover that he had misread her in regard to particular issues. Had he tried to discuss them with her, or with the shadchan, he would have discovered that his perception was incorrect. Most likely, he would not have ended it so soon. Instead, if anyone asks him about this young woman, he will dutifully pass along his misconception of her which is a gross misrepresentation and might, chas v`shalom, besmirch her, all because he refused to talk about why he hesitated to go out again.

This is exactly what is bothering me. Why can`t Jewish Singles discuss issues with each other on their date? Why can`t they realize that it is impossible to get to know someone completely in date or two dates. Every human being is complicated, and it is not necessary to "see it" before one has gotten to know the person they are Jewish Dating. In my opinion, this is worse than being picky. It is being unrealistic and unfair.

There are so many Jewish Singles dying to get married, but can`t help anyone who "just doesn`t see it", and is unwilling to give good thing a fair chance. If only these Jewish Singles would realize that this answer is founded upon nothing but a fantasy of clicking immediately! If only they would realize that discussion and compromise are what make and break relationships!

Rebbetzin, sincerely hope that you will print my letter. In fact, feel confident that you will agree that this problem must be brought to the forefront. Thank you once again for all your help.

Name Withheld

An English professor wrote on the blackboard:

" woman without her man is nothing"

and asked the class to properly punctuate the sentence.

All the males in the class wrote:
" woman, without her man, is nothing"

All the females in the class wrote:
" woman: without her, man is nothing"

Punctuation is powerful !