More On The Jewish Match Scene

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Rebbetzin' Viewpoint

By: Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

More On The Jewish Match Scene

In recent columns, have focused on the reasons why the Jewish Singles population is constantly escalating, and why so many have difficulty finding their bashertes. Many letters have poured in, expressing variety of views on the subject. One of them came from a grandmother who feels the difficulties can be traced to lack of parental involvement – and there has been a very strong response to her views, both pro and con. am pleased to share some of these observations with you.

Letter # 1 – "You Can’t Turn The Clock Back"

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

have been following your column for many, many years. In fact, grew up with The Jewish Press, and my mother was, and continues to be, your greatest fan, as must confess am too. When was away at school, she would cut out your articles and send them to me and would pass them on to my friends.

am writing to you at this time because can’t help but differ with the comments of the grandmother whose letter was published in your last column. She opined that parental involvement is the key to the Jewish Match dilemma, and as perfect example she cited the chasidic Jewish Community, in which mothers and fathers negotiate and arrange the shidduchs of their children. She wrote that they make shidduchim quickly, without the prolonged Jewish Dating prevalent in other Jewish circles in which Jewish Dating goes on endlessly, and too often things happen that prevent them from going under the chuppah. She suggests that it might be to our benefit to learn from the chasidic way.
On paper, her suggestions may seem valid, but realistically speaking, her ideas are totally out of touch with reality. The chasidic way of Jewish Dating is good for the chasidim because they are chasidim, and are open to this type of programmed life style. They live in an insular world, and do not have to contend with the pulls, the tensions and pressures with which we have to struggle. Their young people have no difficulty relying upon Mommy and Tattie choosing their soulmates. They have no problem with going to "beshow" – sit in at-home meeting with a Jewish Match candidate. This is the way in which they were raised, and they have no other aspirations. But for those of us outside of the chasidic Jewish Community, such Jewish Match process would not only be alien, but it would be totally antithetical to our way of life.
Granted, it would be helpful for all of us to learn something from them and have parents more involved, but really don’t know how pragmatic that would be, because it flies in the face of our contemporary mode of living. Unlike the chasidim, our young people do not marry at 17 or 18 while still under the parental roof.
In the Orthodox Jewish Community, it has become vogue to go to Israel to study, and among more secular Jews, young people go off to college. Once they depart from home, it is never quite the same. They gain certain independence, and they are certainly not open to Mommy and Daddy finding their soul mates.
do not know what the solution is – don’t have pat and quick answers, but do know that we can’t turn the clock back or adopt the chasidic way of life, as admirable as it may be.
Keep up your wonderful work on behalf of Am Yisrael. May you continue to guide and inspire your readers for many years to come.

Letter #2 – Jewish Single on the Upper West Side

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

am 36-year-old Jewish Single woman from a religious family – what you call "frum from birth" While have enjoyed much success and satisfaction in my career, unfortunately, cannot say that the same holds true for my personal life. ’ve been on many more dates than care to count, but they all led nowhere.
was born and raised in ____________ , Florida, but when reached high school age my parents sent me to New York so that might benefit from a good yeshiva education. Like most of my classmates, upon graduation went to seminary in Israel. When returned to the States, rented a furnished room with a lovely family in Brooklyn, thinking that that would be the best place to make Jewish Match connections. Although many people tried to help me, and registered with every shadchan knew of, nothing materialized. At the advice of many people, moved to the Upper West Side of Manhattan. was told that it has a vibrant Jewish Singles scene and that would be the place to find my basherte.
That move turned out to be another frustrating experience. The Jewish Singles that met there are like revolving door. They keep going around in circles and appear incapable of making a commitment. They are comfortably ensconced in their social scene –Shabbos dinners here, and Shabbos dinner there – everyone is friendly, but that’ where it ends.
But what found most devastating and painful was the lack of tznius among most of the Jewish Singles population. It hurts me to write this, Rebbetzin, but feel responsibility, and think that somebody has to speak up. The laws pertaining to shmiras negiah – refraining from physical contact between the genders prior to Jewish Marriage – is being violated to the extreme by far too many of the Jewish Singles that encountered. And what is worse is that there is tacit acceptance of this violation. know that am not the only one who is aware of this, and yet, haven’t heard any outcry. Everyone is going around on their same routines, and with every day the situation gets worse.
Your columns have been voice in the American Jewish consciousness, and am writing to you now, not only to share my frustration with the Jewish Dating scene, which believe holds true for most Jewish Singles, but also write because of this deplorable situation.

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More On The Jewish Match Scene

Special Note: Several weeks ago, ran series on shidduchim, and asked our readers to share their views as to why making shidduchim has become so complex for so many of our people. Never before have there been so many Jewish Singles as today, and never before have we witnessed so many failed marriages, so many broken homes and divorces. felt constrained to interrupt that series, however, to comment on the critical world events that are challenging us. In the interim, received many letters from our readers expressing different points of view, and am pleased to share two of them with you and invite you to write and share your views as well.
May take this opportunity to wish you all Chag Kasher ’Sameach. May also express my appreciation for your kind support and friendship throughout the year. May this Pesach bring the geula (redemption) for all our families and klal Yisrael.

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

’m great fan of yours – ’ve been reading your articles ever since can remember – actually, from the time was a teenager, and now, am, Baruch Hashem, grandmother. Throughout the years they have sustained me. always found them to be interesting and inspiring.
Your recent series on shidduchim is very apropos. Everyone is having it hard – Litvish, yeshivish, chasidish and Modern Orthodox. One reason feel it may be so difficult now, while in previous generations children trusted their parents, today that trust is lacking. In the past, people truly believed in the saying, "Parents know best". The children relied on their mothers and fathers and were confident that they knew what was suitable and best for them.
Today, in the chasidish world, it is still more or less this way – children still rely on their parents’ guidance. They marry young, and their parents are responsible for the research and selection. Baruch Hashem, for the most part, the marriages are happy. On the other hand, shidduchim in Litvish, yeshivish, and Modern Orthodox families, where the girls and boys go on many dates, meet many times, and speak on the phone, we see many problems. Broken engagements and divorces occur at higher rate than among the chasidish.
At first glance, this really doesn’t make sense. One would imagine that when young people know each other for longer period of time prior to being wed, their prospects for a better, more solid Jewish Marriage would be stronger, but the facts do not bear this out
Among the chasidish, where there is "beshow," the girls and the boys meet only few times and that’s it. When research is done by the parents, the chances for shalom bayis are much greater. In the chasidish world decisions are made quickly – either it’ yes or no. There is no shlepping, no endless telephone calls, and what it boils down to is what said at the outset – parents know what is good for their children.
In the parsha where Yitzchok gets engaged to Rivka, it says that "he took her into his mother’ tent and only afterward did he marry and love her. Until one marries, one cannot know the meaning of love. There may be attraction or infatuation, but real love only comes afterward, and what is critical to remember is that Yitzchok first took Rivka to his mother’s tent so that the wisdom, the light of Sara Imeinu continued to illuminate the tent of Mother Rivka as well.
realize that most of the world is not chasidish, but perhaps we should borrow page from them and have more parental input in shidduchim. Instead of relying on the opinions of others, instead of allowing ourselves to be diverted by all the nonsense that has become part of the Jewish Match scene, let’ return to the ways of our forefathers. May Hashem help everyone find their basherte – and may we hear of many simchas.